


Sadness?

by TheDyingRedRose



Category: Jillykinz
Genre: Depression, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Gay, Getting Together, HOW DO I TAGG PROPERLY?!?, Haleykinz - Freeform, Jilliancares - Freeform, Jillykinz - Freeform, Lesbian, Red writes, Sadness, Their so adorable, ill give it a try I guess, self degradation, self hate, slight mentions of self harm, technically
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-27
Updated: 2017-04-27
Packaged: 2018-10-24 13:18:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10742469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheDyingRedRose/pseuds/TheDyingRedRose
Summary: Jillykinz fic, legitimately angst. TW: self harm lightly mentioned, depression, a lot of self degradation.Haley has been feeling worse than usual. She eventually decides to hide from certain people so they won't be able to tell any things wrong.





	Sadness?

Red~

 

"Fucking pathetic" Haley whispered to herself, while looking in the mirror. She'd been called adorable earlier. She of course, had the expected outside reaction, the blush and stuttered out thank you. After that she did the smile, and got away as fast as she possibly could. Funny how easy it was too smile in front of everyone. Put on that normal person front, when your heads utter hell. At this point it felt like she had to fake around everyone. Her parents, her teachers, her sister, even her best friend. 

She didn't have a label for what she was feeling. She tried though. Depression didn't fit. She was sad, sure. Just not to the point of depression. She almost laughed when she thought of it. Even if she was depressed, she wouldn't acknowledge it. Acknowledging it made it real. If it was real then she'd have to deal with it. Dealing with it wasn't an option at this point. 

She had a fine life, Art obsessed, roof above her head, food and clothes, yet something wasn't there. She felt so anxious yet at the same time she couldn't care enough to do anything about it. She didn't know any options at that point. Here she was starring at herself in the mirror, small red marks on her side in a line. If she needed she could pass them off as the dog scratched her hard. 

After jabbing at her stomach a few more times, she looked up. Catching her eyes in the mirror was always a dangerous thing to do, yet something inside her told her she needed to face it. That's when she realized how faded she was. Her face looked basically colorless. Eyes drained of happiness, and filled with a blank stare. 

She didn't know how much longer she could take this. School, her art, even Tumblr stressed her out at this point. She knew she shouldn't care what others though, but she couldn't help it. She was cracking under pressure. She knew she couldn't please everyone, yet the need to feel accepted conquering all her thoughts. All she wanted was to be good enough, to be accepted. Was it really so much too ask?

~

After fourth block was lunch. She realized how dreadful she looked, and today wasn't a good day. She doubted she could even fake a smile. If need be she'd try, but for now she was going to go with plan B. Avoid. See this would be a lot easier if it wasn't for Jillian. Jillian (or Jilly as she calls her,) is a persistent little Bugger. She'd already had to run down three hallways to avoid her. All of this running had led her to the library. 

'Great, go to the one place a writer would consider heaven.' She mentally scolded herself. At least there were plenty of bookshelves, and three exits. All she had to do was find the math section, hide there until lunch was over, then hightail it to her next class. A simple enough plan that should work if she's lucky. 

She settles into a corner where she can hide, yet still see the doorway. Just as she's about too relax a little, Jillian comes walking in. She's wearing her adorable glasses. Carrying her books in one hand, furiously typing on her phone with the other, although her face is set in a slight frown. This in-turn makes Haley frown. Why is her angel sad? She debates coming out of the corner, but decides it's ultimately better if she didn't bother her. She would just be another hassle to stress about, and Jilly didn't need that.

After a little while of homework and self loathing, she sneaks out of the library, making her way too class.

~

She's been avoiding everyone for days. Her parents and sister are busy enough to not notice for now, however Jilly hasn't been that easy. Texting, calling, chasing through the school hallways. She went as far as to come over unannounced. Luckily enough Haley's parents weren't home, so she pretended she was either. 

She found herself one again Staring at her mirror. Pointing out flaws one by one, and finding nothing she could credit herself for. The cuts on her side were fading. How tempting it was to make more. She couldn't cry, she could barely feel. She hadn't even slept the night before. 

'Why can't I just be close to perfect?' She questioned herself. She got so caught up in her "imperfections," that she didn't even notice the door opening and closing. She didn't notice another soul in the room. That's why she jumped when she heard a familiar voice yell, "What in fucking hell am I seeing."

She quickly lowered her sweater and turned around too see her best friend a few feet in the room, and looking positively ticked. Jilly's eyes looked glazed over with unshed tears, and her fist clenched at her side, shaking. She felt her eyes widen slightly and her mouth go dry. After what felt like an eternity watching each other, she finally choked out a couple words. "Hey Jilly."

This, apparently didn't help things. Jillian looked liked she was about to have steam coming out of her ears. She braced herself for more yelling, but was slightly more frightened when a hushed tone came out of Jilly's mouth. "I have texted, I have called. I have chased you down multiple hallways. I came here the other night and no one opened the door. You have been avoiding me." 

Haley quickly shakes her head at this, already lying. "No, I hav-"

She quickly gets interrupted, "Don't fucking lie to me." 

Okay, this was bad. She was cussing out loud and physically shaking. She wasn't even yelling at this point, which worried Haley the most. Jillian started slowly stepping closer, while Haley started stepping back. 

"How long has all of this been happening? The mood and the cutting." Jillian crocked, trying to control her anger. Haley still had a small ways till the wall, but realized that she couldn't really hide what had been saw. "The cuts started a week ago, Sadness around a month and a half."

Jillian had to contain her flinch while slowly stepping closer. She felt the tears slide down her cheeks and scrubbed them away. A month and a half and she only noticed a week ago. By now Haley's back was against the wall and Jillian a mere three feet away. Her anger was still there, yet it seemed like sadness had taken priority at the point. She ended up closing the few feet between them and holding Haley close.

Haley immediately relaxed into Jillian's hold. The scent of vanilla enlacing her senses as they held each other close. The room was completely quiet, as if no one else existed; it was only them. 

Haley felt drops of water fall on her shoulder, which only made her pull Jillian closer. She swore she felt her heart crack when she heard a quiet, stuttered out, "w-whyy?"

It was a reasonable question, all things considered. If it was the other way around she would probably ask the same thing, but how was she supposed to say this. How was she supposed to say that she felt dead inside, when in her arms she felt like she could fly. She knew the feeling would last for long, but for now that's what she needed. "It's just, I used to be confident. I used to not care about what people thought of me. Now I can't even look in the mirror without being completely disgusted with myself." 

Jillian was shocked to say the least. She let go of her hand and guided to the mirror. The second Haley realized she shut her eyes. Jillian settled with hugging her from behind while she was facing the mirror. "I don't know what you see, but I see my beautiful, young, creative, best friend. Now I know that whatever is going on in your head, isn't going to be fixed with just a few kind word said in a couple minutes. I know it doesn't work like that, but if telling you that everyday is what it takes then that's what I'll do. I love you and everything about you."

Haley's eyes snapped open in shock. She met Jillian's eyes in the mirror. Jillian hid her face, the tips of her ears bright red. The one main person she's terrified of disappointing just said she loves her. Haley swallowed hard, not believing what she was hearing. "What did you say Jilly?"

Jillian sighed, "I love everything about you, your funeral wardrobe and rainbow pajamas, your beautiful smile and laugh, your cartoon drawings to your mild realism obsession. Even your favorite hipster bands. You are beautiful and funny and the closest thing to perfect I will ever see. I know you're not happy, but I'm going to do everything I can to change that. Even if I have to remind you everyday and drag you to that stupid pasta place on the corner." 

Haley didn't know what to do. Jillian quite literally made her heart explode. She still had that.... sadness, but now she had help. She could tell getting over this. It would take a lot of time and a lot of work, but she felt like it was possible now. 

"I love you too."

**Author's Note:**

> HOLY ROSES AND RAINDROPS I JUST WROTE FANFICTION. Om. I started this around one am and finished it at seven pm. I'm legitimately excited. Do note this is a work of fiction. Thank you for reading! 
> 
> This was my first fanfic I'm posting.
> 
> My tumblr:   
> red-loveroseseverday  
> Twitter:  
>  @loverosesvrydy


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